Fuckin’ Oregonian, Officially
This morning, I got up earlier than normal so I could be first in line when the DMV opened at 7:30. I had studied the Oregon Driver’s Manual, I had my proof of address on me, and I was ready to surrender my Washington driver’s license. When the doors opened and the line of people who had formed outside the doors all piled in, I grabbed a number (#3, yeah!) and sat down. They called me up not more than a minute later. I approached the counter with trepidation and a little sadness, but also with confidence that I would walk out of there with a piece of plastic I’d keep in my wallet for the rest of my life proving that I am, in fact, a resident of the state of Oregon. And that I can drive here. I was so confident, I put on lipstick before I left the house in anticipation of posing for the license picture.
Ten seconds into my conversation with the groggy DMV worker, I realized it was not to be. I didn’t have TWO forms of “primary” ID. Evidently, I’d misunderstood the DMV’s website and only brought my old license and my phone bill, thinking that was enough. Turns out, I need those things PLUS a social security card, birth certificate, or passport too. Fuck.
I left in a huff.
I dabbled with the idea of just heading to work, getting an early start. But the further from the DMV I got, the more determined I became to get this stupid ordeal over with. I drove home, rummaged through three years of file boxes looking for some other form of ID (how often do you really NEED your social security card?). I found what I needed in the box from 2003 and headed back out.
Not before cursing the state of Oregon and all of their civil servants, of course. Much to the bemusement of GTB.
Got back to the DMV, grabbed a new number (#31 this time, boo!) and sat down. I filled out my paper work while I was waiting and grew increasingly more nervous. Yes I’ve been driving for almost fifteen years, but I suck at taking tests and didn’t pass the written knowledge test the first time I took it back in 1991.
While I was waiting for my number to be called, I last-minute crammed for the exam. Three Russian boys came in and sat across from and next to me, chatting boisterously in their native tongue. I tried to concentrate, but once, when trying to remember if it’s two- or five-seconds cushion you are supposed to leave between you and the car in front of you, I noticed a GINORMOUS spider crawling on the floor toward me. I imagined what it might do to my concentration if I got a spider bite, or how plausible a plot it would be for a terrorist to come to America and unleash poisonous spiders in DMVs. I heard a guy behind me say, “He’s coming right for you!” I turned to acknowledge that he seemed to be correct when one of the Russian boys jumped up, practically fell in my lap, and squashed the huge spider with one loud thud. I almost said, “Now instead of a spider on the floor, there’s gunk and ooze everywhere.” But instead I thanked him. I wasn’t sure if it was an omen, but it definitely seemed like foreshadowing of some sort.
The same woman who told me I didn’t have enough ID called my number a minute later and back up I went. I smugly showed her all THREE pieces of primary identification I’d brought, my proof of address, and my neatly filled out application. She asked if I wanted to take the written or computer test. I opted for computer and headed for the back room.
Most of the questions were pretty straightforward. Some were verbatim from the sample tests I’d taken. One was outright WRONG, but I let it slide. The best one though, the one that made me wonder if I was taking the Prairie Home Companion Driver’s Test was this:
You are driving down a road when you come upon a rider on horseback on the side of the road. She raises her right hand. This means:
A) There are cattle on the road ahead.
B) There are other riders on the road ahead.
C) The horse is scared and you should slow down.
D) It is safe to pass.
Needless to say, I got this one wrong. I guessed D. I grew up in Hickville and this kind of encounter has never happened to me. I mean, I’ve come upon horses on the side of the road before. I know you are supposed to slow down and give them a wide berth. But I’ve never communicated with the rider using hand signals. I doubt there are even horseback riders who know what raising your right hand means. When I told GTB about it, he said he would have guessed that it meant it was time to call in the black ops. The answer, in case you’re curious, or ever need to take an Oregon driver knowledge test, was C.
Anyway, of 31 questions, I missed 3. That’s 90%. I’d passed. Then it was on to the eye exam. Passed that, too. Next was writing a check for $54.50. Done. All that was left was posing for the picture. I have pretty good luck with license pictures, which is surprising because I’m not terribly photogenic. So I brushed excess hair out of my face, made sure my lipstick was even, and put on my perfected “official photograph” face (closed-mouth smile, eyes wide open, nose up). A few minutes later, I walked out of there with a brand-spanking-new Oregon driver’s license.
Whereupon I permanently disconnected my turn signal fuses and detached all rearview mirrors, neither of which I’ll need now, and started practicing unecessary maneuvers, erratic lane changes, and tailgating.
August 4th, 2006 at 11:25 am
Congratulations, o Girl of my dreams. I’m ecstaic to welcome you into the fold of God’s chosen. But puh-lease. I thought we agreed long ago that it wasn’t an Oregon-specific trait to be a bad driver. This ain’t a Washington v. Oregon deal. ALL NW’ers are all about the same caliber of driver; it’s the Californians and other transplants that are the automobile-impaired.
Sheesh.
August 4th, 2006 at 11:28 am
And before all you snarky Washingtonians (you know exactly who you are, future in-laws, Lamms, J-Bark, S & J, A-Red, CYRyan, C-Mole, etc., etc., etc.) take up for my dearly betrothed and start in on your ridiculous comments concerning the collective driving prowess of your fair state, please just don’t. It’s Friday and I’m in a good mood.
Thank you.
August 4th, 2006 at 11:39 am
Yeah right, GTB. Like you get to just shut down my comments section like that. Friends, Washingtonians, please feel free to comment away! Sheesh indeed.
August 4th, 2006 at 11:56 am
Oh yeah? Well you do that, Washingtonians, and I will summon an army greater than any the world has ever seen of proud Oregon drivers who are fed up of the stereotypes, the ignorance, and the rampant misinformation proliferated by you all. This will not stand, ya know, this aggression will not stand, man.
I think I need to get some air.
August 4th, 2006 at 11:59 am
Funny post. However, you don’t need much more practice driving erratically. By the way, my name isn’t Michael Vaughn.
August 4th, 2006 at 12:00 pm
Watch out for the Oregon drivers while you’re out getting some air.
August 4th, 2006 at 1:08 pm
As a “future in-law” and a life long Washingtonian, I just have to say I think GTB doth protest too much. Everyone knows the real problems are caused by drivers from Brithish Columbia. Sing along with me, South Park fans, Blame Canada, Blame Canada.
August 4th, 2006 at 1:49 pm
I just paled at the thought of an army of Oregon Drivers. GTB, please let me know when this event will occur so that I may stay far, far from any roads/sidewalks/pastures.
August 4th, 2006 at 2:11 pm
Like I said: stereotypes, ignorance, and rampant misinformation.
August 4th, 2006 at 2:20 pm
Exactly! You’ve described Oregon drivers perfectly.
August 4th, 2006 at 2:26 pm
Don’t worry, GTB. I love Oregonians. Some of my best friends are Oregonians. None of them can get car insurance anymore but they are very fast peddlers on those bikes.
Go Ducks!
August 4th, 2006 at 2:27 pm
What does that even mean?
August 4th, 2006 at 3:34 pm
Look, I was trying to be all peace, love, and understanding with my fellow NW’ers up north. I never criticized your driving abilities. I wanted to make this an us-vs.-them kind of argument–‘us’ being WA and OR motorists, and ‘them’ being everyone else (especially those a-holes from California). I wanted to go all Helen Reddy (“You and me against the world”). I wanted to buy the world a Coke and teach it how to sing. Give peace a chance. And so on and so on…
But oooooooh noooooo. Y’all just had to be combative, didn’t you. Isn’t there enough hatred and ill-will towards fellow (wo)man in the world these days? Can’t we all just get along?!?!?
This just goes to show that it certainly is a sad world we live in (especially considering the fact the WA DMV actually gave some of you a driver’s license).
OH SNAP!
August 4th, 2006 at 3:40 pm
Oh no he di’nt!
August 4th, 2006 at 4:40 pm
Yea right. The “snarky future inlaws” comment didn’t feel like you were extending an olive branch. Felt more like a sling of arrows, if you know what I mean. Why did you lay down the gauntlet if you wanted peace and harmony? It’s too late to go all sixties hippy-make love, not war.
And yes, I am imbittered. After all, I live in a border town where we get more than our share of drivers from the state to the south. They come here and take out parking spots and the best tables at the restaurants. We’re thining of forming a militia to stop them at the border to give them information about how the up signal means you’re turning right and the down position means you’re turning left and how stop really means stop. It’s not much but it’s a beginning.
August 4th, 2006 at 5:27 pm
Wait. Up means right?
Oh crap.
August 4th, 2006 at 5:41 pm
You can buy me a coke and teach me to sing. Well, you can buy me a coke at least. I agree. We should band together against CA and BC drivers. Damn them!