A very romantic Valentine’s Day post about love and marriage and housework
Amy Sutherland’s new book about “training” men much like you’d train a dog comes out this week. The book, an extrapolation of an article she wrote for the New York Times a couple of years ago, gives me heartburn.
Don’t get me wrong, I think her basic premise is at least mostly sound. I’m a big believer that the best way to get someone to repeat a behavior is to notice and reward said behavior. I employ this, for lack of a better term, technique in my marriage. (Not that I need to do it much, because GTB is pretty much perfect. But there are times….)
A few days ago, GTB brought to my attention that he had emptied the dishwasher. Liking that behavior, particularly because he did it without any prompting from me, I thanked him enthusiastically. But then I got to thinking of all the times I’ve emptied the dishwasher without prompting from him or any form of acknowledgment.
Then I saw this article, and maybe it’s all the pregnancy hormones, but it pissed me off.
Again, let me say that I have few complaints about GTB. He makes me feel appreciated, loved, and beautiful (even though I’m getting fat and I’m breaking out due to the growing Blueberry). But he, like most men, and I, like most women, differ considerably on this whole housework thing. The thing is, I’ve come to terms with it. I know that when we’re downstairs watching TV and we decide to go to bed, he’s going to stand up, walk upstairs, and crawl into bed. Meanwhile, I’m still downstairs, putting dishes in the dishwasher, folding the blankets we were just laying under, putting away the four remote controls it takes to watch our new TV, straightening the couch cushions, and making sure everything is put away. And I know that this is MY problem. It means nothing about GTB as a man or as a husband or as a good roommate. I know that if I didn’t do those things, the world would keep turning. But I also know that GTB appreciates that the house looks picked up all the time, even if he doesn’t notice that is it me doing it and not little nocturnal fairies that keep our house tidy.
I’m fine with all of that. Really I am.
What bugs me about this new book is that women are going to read it trying to figure out how to trick their boyfriends and husbands into helping more around the house. What bugs me is that there isn’t a book coming out this week aimed at men, teaching them how to get off their asses and not only notice what goes into the daily upkeep of a house but maybe even helping out with some of it. What bugs me is that even if there were that kind of book coming out this week, Newsweek probably wouldn’t be running a story about it and it never would have been the topic of 2006’s most emailed New York Times story.
Happy Valentine’s Day. Feel free to discuss.
February 15th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
You know those shows like “Clean Sweep” where absolute slobs hoard mountains of crap and their families quietly sit by and do nothing? Since Chris and I watch these shows religiously, like the cautionary tales they are, we’ve discovered that 1/2 the time the messy-pants on these shows are the men and 1/2 the time it’s the women.
Which is good news for me because I am laaaaaaaaaaaazy when it comes to cleanin’.