Love means never having to say, “Geez, you’re a really shitty roller skater!”
Part of what’s interesting about dating someone from another city is getting to know his friends and the group quirks at play. What’s dangerous about that is how easy it is to generalize about an entire city as you get to know them.
For example, GTB’s friend A is darling. She’s smart, funny, adorable, and super fun to get drunk and exchange extremely personal stories about your sex life with. In other words, she’s my hero. Earlier this week, she sent out an email requesting that we all go roller skating for her birthday. My first thought, of course, was “I’d join a Polar Bear Club if it meant I got to hang out with A more.” My second thought was, “Why in the world do people from Portland insist on humiliating themselves, or, more importantly, me, whenever they want to celebrate something?” First it’s GTB’s birthday party, which consisted of a lethal one-two punch of bowling and karaoke. And now roller skating?!
I know how difficult it is to plan something original and fun for your birthday. I usually think about it for about five minutes and then say “Fuck it, let’s just get drunk.” So I applaud A’s attempt at something more challenging than seeing who can down the most shots. (For the record, it’s no longer me. I spit out most of my second shot of Jager over the entire table last Saturday. Guess I really have become somewhat of a lightweight.) And I know that we can’t always go out and do the kinds of things I AM good at. I mean, who wants to spend his or her birthday at a spelling bee, right?
But good God! I’m not sure how much longer I can continue the pretense that I’m cool and quirky and willing to do anything for a laugh. When I told GTB that I’d definitely go to the roller skating party, but that I’d be the obnoxious drunk in the corner, oogling all the young skaters, he did the email equivalent of begging me (i.e. he typed “please” more than once and in all caps) to join him on the rink. I told him I’d consider it.
So last night, I did. And here’s what I’ve come up with. I have a bad knee and no balance. I didn’t even like roller skating as a kid. As hilarious and fun and kitschy as I’m sure it will be, I have decided I will definitely be the obnoxious drunk in the corner, oogling all of the young skaters at A’s party. However, I will not be getting drunk off Jager.
February 22nd, 2006 at 10:06 am
The good news is that, in just a few short years (give or take), we’ll all finally have accepted the painful reality that we’re in our mid-30s and, accordingly, will most likely dispense with 70’s-themed prepubescent nostalgia-laced celebrations such as the one you’ve so artfully described above. The bad news is that, in just a few short years (give or take), we’ll all be in our mid-30s. In the meantime, I say suck it up, Girl, and enjoy the liberating sensation of the wind in your hair, the energizing vocal stylings of Olivia Newton-John in your ears, and the crazy delicious ice cream sandwiches while you still can. Its only a matter of time before its your kid’s prepubescent shindig you’re bitching about, not your boyfriend’s.
(Oh, crap, I just really scared myself!)
February 22nd, 2006 at 1:04 pm
As someone firmly in her mid-30s–and quite close to hurdling over the 35 mark–I still can’t get enough of roller skating and am quite envious of your rolling opportunity. However, blades and wheels aren’t for everyone whether your 15 or 35. Sit in the corner if you must, but someone PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE take a spin around the rink for me, especially if Oliva Newton John is playing. And an ice cream sandwich wouldn’t be bad either.
You’ll be happy to know that my upcoming birthday fesitivities will involve nothing more than planting your ass on my couch or carpeted floor and watching television. FYI.
February 22nd, 2006 at 1:13 pm
Hear hear, glamm. Thank God that I’m in my low-to-mid-thirties and still get excited to do something out-of-the-ordinary for a birthday. It should be a great time. I know that A would love to have you kids–you oughta come down for the festivities. Maybe with a little extra encouragement, we can get The Girl out there on the floor (I’m gonna need someone to do the Hokey Pokey with).
Regardless, I’ll be your ONJ anytime, glamm.
February 22nd, 2006 at 2:51 pm
For the record, I wholeheartedly support the idea of pretty much any nostalgic, 70s-themed party, particularly one that includes ONJ, which is why I totally want to go to the roller skating party. I just don’t want to have to actually DO the roller skating part of it.
February 22nd, 2006 at 5:20 pm
Okay! I recant my theory that when we hit our 30s, we (allegedly) become grown-ups!
Anyone want to trade stickers?
February 27th, 2006 at 2:17 pm
I am honored to have you at my skating party. It will be fun if you skate or not. xxooo