<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
This morning, I got up earlier than normal so I could be first in line when the DMV opened at 7:30. I had studied the Oregon Driver’s Manual, I had my proof of address on me, and I was ready to surrender my Washington driver’s license. When the doors opened and the line of people who had formed outside the doors all piled in, I grabbed a number (#3, yeah!) and sat down. They called me up not more than a minute later. I approached the counter with trepidation and a little sadness, but also with confidence that I would walk out of there with a piece of plastic I’d keep in my wallet for the rest of my life proving that I am, in fact, a resident of the state of Oregon. And that I can drive here. I was so confident, I put on lipstick before I left the house in anticipation of posing for the license picture.<\/p>\n
Ten seconds into my conversation with the groggy DMV worker, I realized it was not to be. I didn’t have TWO forms of “primary” ID. Evidently, I’d misunderstood the DMV’s website and only brought my old license and my phone bill, thinking that was enough. Turns out, I need those things PLUS a social security card, birth certificate, or passport too. Fuck.<\/p>\n
I left in a huff.<\/p>\n
I dabbled with the idea of just heading to work, getting an early start. But the further from the DMV I got, the more determined I became to get this stupid ordeal over with. I drove home, rummaged through three years of file boxes looking for some other form of ID (how often do you really NEED your social security card?). I found what I needed in the box from 2003 and headed back out. <\/p>\n
Not before cursing the state of Oregon and all of their civil servants, of course. Much to the bemusement of GTB.<\/p>\n
Got back to the DMV, grabbed a new number (#31 this time, boo!) and sat down. I filled out my paper work while I was waiting and grew increasingly more nervous. Yes I’ve been driving for almost fifteen years, but I suck at taking tests and didn’t pass the written knowledge test the first time I took it back in 1991.<\/p>\n
While I was waiting for my number to be called, I last-minute crammed for the exam. Three Russian boys came in and sat across from and next to me, chatting boisterously in their native tongue. I tried to concentrate, but once, when trying to remember if it’s two- or five-seconds cushion you are supposed to leave between you and the car in front of you, I noticed a GINORMOUS spider crawling on the floor toward me. I imagined what it might do to my concentration if I got a spider bite, or how plausible a plot it would be for a terrorist to come to America and unleash poisonous spiders in DMVs. I heard a guy behind me say, “He’s coming right for you!” I turned to acknowledge that he seemed to be correct when one of the Russian boys jumped up, practically fell in my lap, and squashed the huge spider with one loud thud. I almost said, “Now instead of a spider on the floor, there’s gunk and ooze everywhere.” But instead I thanked him. I wasn’t sure if it was an omen, but it definitely seemed like foreshadowing of some sort.<\/p>\n
The same woman who told me I didn’t have enough ID called my number a minute later and back up I went. I smugly showed her all THREE pieces of primary identification I’d brought, my proof of address, and my neatly filled out application. She asked if I wanted to take the written or computer test. I opted for computer and headed for the back room.<\/p>\n
Most of the questions were pretty straightforward. Some were verbatim from the sample tests I’d taken. One was outright WRONG, but I let it slide. The best one though, the one that made me wonder if I was taking the Prairie Home Companion Driver’s Test was this:<\/p>\n
You are driving down a road when you come upon a rider on horseback on the side of the road. She raises her right hand. This means:<\/p>\n
A) There are cattle on the road ahead.
\nB) There are other riders on the road ahead.
\nC) The horse is scared and you should slow down.
\nD) It is safe to pass.<\/p>\n
Needless to say, I got this one wrong. I guessed D. I grew up in Hickville and this kind of encounter has never happened to me. I mean, I’ve come upon horses on the side of the road before. I know you are supposed to slow down and give them a wide berth. But I’ve never communicated with the rider using hand signals. I doubt there are even horseback riders who know what raising your right hand means. When I told GTB about it, he said he would have guessed that it meant it was time to call in the black ops. The answer, in case you’re curious, or ever need to take an Oregon driver knowledge test, was C. <\/p>\n
Anyway, of 31 questions, I missed 3. That’s 90%. I’d passed. Then it was on to the eye exam. Passed that, too. Next was writing a check for $54.50. Done. All that was left was posing for the picture. I have pretty good luck with license pictures, which is surprising because I’m not terribly photogenic. So I brushed excess hair out of my face, made sure my lipstick was even, and put on my perfected “official photograph” face (closed-mouth smile, eyes wide open, nose up). A few minutes later, I walked out of there with a brand-spanking-new Oregon driver’s license.<\/p>\n
Whereupon I permanently disconnected my turn signal fuses and detached all rearview mirrors, neither of which I’ll need now, and started practicing unecessary maneuvers, erratic lane changes, and tailgating. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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